Leaning Into Your Unique Way of Grieving - 3 Steps to Find Healing By Being Yourself
Contrary to what media, books and shows may lead us to believe, there is no one single, right way to grieve. You may be familiar with the templated “grieving process” popularized by books and media, in which individuals experience a range of fluctuating emotions ranging from denial to acceptance. While this widely familiar array of emotions may be true for some individuals, it is by no means a “one size fits all” reality.
In fact, grief itself is not defined by specific feelings. It’s not a feeling, but an experience - and we must allow it to be whole and complete for each of us if and when it is present in our lives.
What is Grief, Anyway?
Grief is an array of emotions and symptoms strung, layered and collaged together to form an experience that is unique to each individual who experiences it. Because of this, finding your way through grief is a unique journey, one you can be free to explore and discover.
This concept of exploring grief can feel daunting just as it may feel liberating. You are free to grieve your own way, but at the same time no one can tell you exactly what to expect.
This is a huge reason why surrounding yourself with a community who can sympathize with your experience during a time of grief is so crucial. You’ll find reflections of your own truth in parts of the experiences of others, even if their entire reality is unlike your own.
Finding Your Own Unique Way to Grieve
Grief can be an ‘up and down’ experience, it isn’t lateral or sequential. It can feel disorienting. To help you discover your unique way to grieve, find a few “stepping stones” to help ground you in the midst of swirling emotions. These are things, thoughts, habits or actions that you can make rhythms of, crafting your own path through grief.
Be Truly Kind To Yourself
How would you comfort a child? You wouldn’t place expectations on their experience of grief. You wouldn’t set a timer and say, ‘Ok, time’s up, that’s enough,’ and you wouldn’t judge them for feeling too intensely or even not at all.
Being radically kind to yourself is not something that comes naturally to many adults, because it means releasing expectations you and others have for yourself while allowing what is, to be.
What is an act of kindness you can practice each day, making a core habit out of this action? You could say an affirmation, take a long shower, make yourself an indulgent breakfast, or keep sticky notes with positive affirmations where you can see them.
Whatever it is, select an act of kindness that feels true and right to you, and weave it into your daily rhythm.
Surround Yourself with Support
No grief experience is exactly the same. However, in connecting with others who have had a similar life experience, you will discover similarities in the reality you’re experiencing and the emotions you’re feeling.
Not only will this connection validate your experience, connections like this can provide glimmers of hope that there will be a time when the pain will lessen and you will experience joy again.
Discover Something New to Try
You may desire to get lost in one of your old hobbies, but sometimes you may want a different experience altogether, something that doesn’t harken back to past experiences or memories. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but never made time for?
Allow Change to Happen
We grieve for many complex, and sometimes unknown, reasons. But one thing we know is true about grief is that we do so because the transition from one reality to the next is psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically difficult. Grieving happens because we are being asked to live in entirely new ways, and that affects our entire body, mind and soul.
As we grieve, life will evolve. Things, relationships, experiences, expectations, routines and rhythms and habits will all change with it. Grieve freely, and while you do, allow these things to evolve into their new patterns. Grieve what was and even what is, but allow change to occur. Slowly, you will learn how to navigate the new terrain - even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
Remember these truths about grief as you move forward. Allow them to serve as guideposts, even as things feel disorienting.
Grief is not something to avoid or resist, but to lean into.
Whatever you are feeling in any given moment is exactly how you are supposed to feel.
You do not need to “fix” any part of your grieving experience.
Feeling nothing is completely okay and right.
You can not feel too much.
Grief is normal. Your way of grieving is normal. And most importantly, you will get through this.