How to Set + Uphold Holiday Boundaries to Protect Your Mental Health
For many of us, the holidays spark a range of emotions — joy and excitement, but also overwhelm and anxiety. This is often due to tensions within our families or strained relationships with loved ones.
Even in perfectly healthy relationships, it can still be difficult to say “no” sometimes! This is why it’s important to prepare ahead for the holidays by setting boundaries to protect and nurture your mental health.
What Are Boundaries, and Why Are They Necessary?
Boundaries are guidelines for how you would like to be treated — both by others and yourself. Think of setting boundaries as a form of self-care. It involves getting real and honest with yourself to decide what you consider acceptable and what your limits are. This, in turn, helps the people in your life understand what behavior is okay and what behavior is not.
Having clear personal boundaries creates trust, builds self-confidence, and helps you foster more safe, healthy, and stable relationships with those around you. Without them, you might often find yourself feeling disrespected or walked on in your relationships.
What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?
Having boundaries is essential to building healthy relationships, but not all boundaries are healthy.
A boundary is a clear place where you begin and the other person ends. In other words, boundaries that encroach on another person’s values or disregard their own personal limits are unhealthy. This is also true for boundaries created out of a need to control another person.
Healthy boundaries can be emotional, psychological, or even physical, and should help you define your sense of self and individuality. They’re meant to protect your wellbeing by making you feel valued, safe, and respected.
So what exactly does this look like? A healthy boundary:
Promotes self-care
Nurtures self-respect
Communicates your needs
Defines your expectations of yourself and others
Sets limits for behavior and action in a healthy way
Helps you make healthy choices
How to Set Boundaries That Protect Your Mental and Emotional Health
Setting boundaries with loved ones, especially during the holidays, can be challenging. You may feel an obligation to your family for providing and caring for you, and that mindset can be difficult to break out of.
However, it is possible to break out of the people-pleasing pattern, and it all starts with gaining clarity on where you need holiday boundaries. For example, maybe you want to spend the holidays with your partner’s family rather than your own and you’re afraid of pushback. Or maybe you’re worried that you’ll feel pressured to participate in conversations you’re not comfortable with.
First, get clear on the areas where you need limits, and then work to set crystal clear boundaries in those areas. If you’re not sure where to start, consider using these phrases as a jumping point:
I am going to…
I am not going to…
I need others to…
I need others to avoid…
These structures are important to me because…
5 Steps for Setting Holiday Boundaries With Family, Friends, and Even Yourself
1. Define and Outline the Boundary for Yourself
The first step is to gain clarity on exactly what you need. Get in touch with your intuition and consider what things that make you feel uncomfortable, stressed, or emotionally exhausted. From there, outline a set of holiday boundaries that will help you prevent those feelings.
2. Communicate Exactly What You Need (And Don’t Need)
A common mistake when it comes to boundaries is setting them, but not speaking them aloud to the people in your life. Don’t just assume that others know your limits — you need to actually share them first. One of the best ways to encourage people to respect your boundaries is by communicating them openly. There’s no need to beat around the bush!
3. Keep It Simple and Clear
If you have vague boundaries, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because there’s more room for people to misinterpret them. To avoid this, it’s best to keep your communication simple, while also getting very specific about what you need and what your expectations are.
4. Define Why Upholding These Boundaries is Important
You don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation of why you hold certain boundaries. However, if you’re up for it, providing one can help create a stronger mutual understanding. When people understand the “why” behind your boundaries and the reason they’re so important to you, they’ll be more likely to respect them.
5. Set Consequences
Setting consequences isn’t about being mean — it’s about showing your loved ones that you’re serious about your boundaries and refuse to be walked on. Maybe you choose to limit communication or even go no contact if your boundary has been crossed. Whatever the consequence you decide on, be sure to stick to it.
What to Do if a Boundary Has Been Crossed
It can be extremely upsetting when someone in your life crosses your boundaries. It’s best to remain respectful, but also be assertive and stand firm in what you need. If you’re not sure of the best course of action, here are some steps you can take to uphold your boundaries:
Communicate clearly what boundary has been crossed. State clearly to the person who broke your boundary how they overstepped and how this broke your trust. This shows you’re not going to back down and are serious about enforcing your boundaries.
Reiterate the importance of upholding the boundary. Let them know that you love and care for them, but that this boundary is important to you, and if they want the best for you, they should respect it.
Enact on the consequence you previously outlined. If you don’t follow through on the consequences you set, your loved ones will learn that they can get away with pushing your boundaries.
Communicate your boundary again. Sometimes people have good intentions but still cross your boundaries unintentionally. Explaining your boundary so there’s no room for misinterpretation can prevent the situation from happening again.
With the holiday season quickly approaching, now’s the perfect time to do some self-reflection and boundary setting before festivities begin. Doing so will allow you to foster deeper connections with loved ones, but most importantly, protect your own mental health and wellbeing.